In her latest book The Co-Parenting Method: Six Steps to Raise Happy Kids After Separation and Divorce, family communication expert Marcie Shaoul delivers a powerful message – “when we change the way we speak with our co-parent, we change the whole dynamic of the conversation”.
The Co-Parent Way is a co-parenting methodology developed by Shaoul; with a history working in the diplomatic service in 2016 Marcie launched her consultancy aimed at helping co-parents better communicate with one another and place their children at the centre of the relationship.
She described how she saw the same patterns emerging in separating couples after her work with government and civil society. Of her work Shaoul said “you can have the same north star, the same place you’re heading to; but you’re doing it in very different ways” referencing the importance of language, culture, and listening.
Her book, The Co-Parenting Method, launched in 2025, details her six step process which not only helps those going through separation, but professionals working with couples in conflict to help them navigate the unexpected next steps of their lives.
Shaoul’s method is rooted in one core belief – that “how people respond to us is at least partly in our control”. At the heart of Shaoul’s approach is the importance of active listening. She challenges the common belief that good communication is about saying the right thing. Instead, she argues that “positive communication is less about what you say and more about how you listen.”
Drawing on the work of Nancy Kline, author of Time to Think, Shaoul explains how rare it is for people to speak without being interrupted. “We can’t usually speak for more than 20 seconds before we’re interrupted or before we interrupt someone,” she notes. This constant interruption creates stress, mistrust, and a breakdown in collaboration. Shaoul said:
“If we know we’re going to be interrupted, rushed, or ignored, we’re less likely to remain calm. Conversely, if we know we won’t be interrupted, that helps us speak both fully and calmly.”
Even in situations where communication has improved over time, co-parents can still fall into old patterns, especially during major life changes like new relationships, babies, moves, or financial shifts. She continued:
“How people respond to us is at least partly in our control. And this includes your co-parent. When we change the way we speak with our co-parent, we change the whole dynamic of the conversation. And because of the changes you choose to make, your co-parent, without even realizing, will also change the way they communicate with you. And that’s why being a good communicator doesn’t make you weak, quite the opposite. It gives you the power to positively influence your co-parent and to move them towards what your children need…”
Shaoul’s book is a practical guide for separated parents who want to raise happy, emotionally secure children. As she puts it:
“The single most effective way to create positive communication is about how well you listen.”
In the latest episode of the Today’s Family Lawyer podcast, host David Opie also sat down with Shaoul, to discuss the book further. In the course of the discussion Marcie explored her six steps which broadly cover:
1) Moving from a short term mindset and understanding you are co-parenting for the rest of your life
2) The ability to manage strong emotions; not ignore them, adds Marcie, but find ways to put them to one side to enable better communications
3) Recognise changing boundaries and redefine new boundaries between you and your co-parent and children
4) Establish ways to communicate without conflict, recognising it takes two to be in conflict so by using the right tools and not escalating situations, potential flashpoints remain calmer
5) Making good parenting decisions; including how often do you meet, where do you meet, how you behave
6) Moving from surviving to thriving; taking control of the things you can and understanding you can make a conscious choice around things you can’t control
The book comes three years after the landmark “No-Fault Divorce” legislation and at a time when the language of family law is under scrutiny, which, says Marcie, has changed, and will continue to change, the divorce landscape.
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