Contested divorces that go to court can often cost in excess of £30,000 in comparison to an average of £3,000 for negotiated financial settlements, but the real cost of conflict in family law can come from “keeping the peace”.
That difference alone is significant. For separating couples, the gap between reaching an agreement and fighting a case to a final hearing can amount to tens of thousands of pounds, money that might otherwise remain within the family, support two new households or help provide financial security after separation. Yet the financial cost is only the most visible consequence. Prolonged conflict can also affect future financial stability, relationships between parents, decision-making and, most importantly, the children caught in the middle.
This is not a straightforward argument for or against going to court. The reality is more nuanced. Sometimes delay in starting court proceedings is itself the problem. Sometimes the “adversarial” route is the right one. But in the vast majority of cases, conflict, in all its forms, extracts a price that most families did not know they would ever have to pay.
Separation handled well protects futures. Separation handled badly, whether through prolonged litigation, inadequate advice, or false economy, can destroy them. The choice between court and mediation matters far less than whether the outcome reached is fair, safe, durable, and properly understood by everyone it affects.
What does conflict actually cost?
The financial costs are the most visible. Government-backed MoneyHelper estimates that a negotiated financial settlement can cost £2,000–£3,000 in legal fees, compared with £30,000 or more where a financial dispute proceeds to a contested final court hearing (and that is not taking VAT into account). Mediation can be cheaper still, with the Family Mediation Council putting the average cost of resolving financial issues through mediation at £500–£1,500. Court fees, legal costs and, for some, litigation loans can leave separating parties carrying debt even after proceedings have concluded. As reported in The Times, the market for litigation funding in family law cases has grown substantially to fill the gap left by the removal of Legal Aid. The financial burden typically falls disproportionately on those in a more financially precarious position; often women. But the financial costs are only part of the story. The societal toll of sustained family conflict is profound and long-lasting. And for children, the cost can be intergenerational.
Children who are exposed to parental conflict face significantly higher risks across their lives – parental conflict can create Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), the collective term for traumatic or stressful experiences that affect children through their lives. Research across England and Wales shows that those who experience four or more ACEs are more than twice as likely to leave school without qualifications and significantly more likely to be unemployed in adulthood.
This is not an economic risk that can be ignored: Alan Milburn’s 2026 independent interim review into young people and work has found that nearly one million young people aged 16 to 24 in the UK are not in education, employment or training (the so called “NEETs”), and this is a problem that is “getting worse not better”, estimating the cumulative annual cost to the country of £125 billion. If parental conflict is contributing to these numbers, it must be addressed.
And behind the wider economic impact is the emotional reality for children, which is powerfully captured in the Family Justice Young People’s Board’s In Our Shoes, a collection of firsthand accounts from children who have experienced parental conflict and family court proceedings. Children describe being hurt, not being listened to, being forced to pick sides and having lost control and agency over their own lives. In Our Shoes should be required reading for every separating parent and every family practitioner.
Conflict in the family home is not just a backdrop in children’s lives. It is something that happens to them: the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 recognises that children who witness familial domestic abuse are victims of domestic abuse themselves. Parents who are consumed by their own trauma or by the conflict with the other parent (reasonably or not) may not be able to be emotionally available for their children and may potentially cause psychological harm to them.
I do not suggest, in any way, that divorce or family separation is wrong. It is not. But the way that parents separate, and whether their ongoing co-parenting relationship is characterised by conflict, is crucial for minimising the risk of ACEs for children.
The hidden cost of “keeping the peace”
So, while conflict can itself be costly, one of the costliest things a separating couple may do is to avoid conflict altogether – if that avoidance means walking away without proper legal protections.
The root of the lack of legal protection is often a lack of financial and legal knowledge, coupled with a reluctance for taking legal advice. The 2023 Fair Shares report (a study of financial arrangements on divorce in England and Wales) found that just one in ten divorcing couples who were not yet drawing pension made any pension sharing arrangement and 37 percent of divorcees did not even know the value of their own pension pot, let alone their spouse’s. The Fair Shares report also noted that only one third of divorcees used some form of legal advice for finances in during their divorce. This matters profoundly because pensions are often the largest asset in a marriage after the family home, and women (who are already statistically disadvantaged on retirement: on average relying on an income 36.5% lower than men) are the ones who lose out most when pensions are left off the table. Without legal advice and proper financial disclosure, how can anyone reasonably make informed decisions and judgements about what arguments they should concede and what arguments they should progress?
Avoiding a potentially adversarial system may appear sensible but risks ending a marriage without a binding financial order and so ex-spouses, and particularly ex-wives, may be left significantly worse off. The financial realities of unfairness or an incomplete settlement do not always announce themselves immediately. They may arrive years later, in retirement.
Female survivors of domestic abuse face the sharpest end of this: they are less likely to be owner-occupiers, less likely to have their own pensions, and less likely to have been in full-time work at the point of separation. They may also accept a settlement that does not reflect their entitlement, because the cost, financial and emotional, of continuing to fight feels too high. This is the potential price of peace.
“I increasingly receive enquiries from people who, wanting to be “amicable”, wanting to “avoid legal fees” and wanting to “avoid a fight”, have opted for some form of online divorce service, only to discover that the court will not approve their proposed settlement for its categorical unfairness.” – Helen Midgley – partner at Tees Law
It typically transpires that that online divorce service has not required any robust financial disclosure and has not provided any legal advice – creating a false economy that raises false hopes. A financial consent order is, other than in the rarest of cases, a once-only opportunity. It is worth doing properly, having taken proper legal advice.
The court system remains under severe strain
Choosing the litigation route does not guarantee a faster outcome. The court system takes considerable time: approximately 64,000 new cases started in the family courts between October and December 2025, private law children proceedings took an average of 35 weeks to conclude and there was a 13% increase in financial remedy applications in the same period. The family court recognises that delay is generally detrimental to children (the ‘No Delay Principle’) but the reality is that delay is often an unavoidable cost.
The Child Focussed Courts (previously called Pathfinder) model (already operating in Wales and parts of England) puts children’s welfare at the centre of private law proceedings and represents a step in the right direction to addressing delay (although its effectiveness will need to be kept under review as it is rolled out nationally). But reform at court level alone is not enough – there needs to be wider support for families facing relationship breakdown.
Non-court resolution (NCDR) done properly is not a soft option
There is a persistent misconception that non-court dispute resolution (such as Mediation, Resolution Together, Collaborative Law or Arbitration) is a lesser or less rigorous process than litigation. It is not. Done well, by properly trained and experienced practitioners, NCDR is a robust, flexible, and genuinely protective route to a durable outcome.
Its flexibility is one of its greatest strengths. It can be adapted to the specific needs and vulnerabilities of the family. But it must be delivered by the right people. Domestic abuse is prevalent in family law cases and coercive control is frequently hidden. Power imbalances do not disappear simply because parties sit in separate rooms with a mediator. A non-binding agreement reached without proper safeguards can unravel and, when it does, the cost of unpicking it may exceed what a properly structured order would have cost in the first place.
Recent changes to the Family Procedure Rules have strengthened the expectation that parties consider NCDR at every stage of proceedings – NCDR must be given a chance to help families reach consensus without incurring the costs of conflict.
The real price of peace
The real price of peace is not choosing a cheap online service or accepting a so called ‘agreement’ imposed one spouse on the other across the kitchen table without legal advice. It is informed, supported decision-making – with access to proper expertise, trauma-aware practitioners, and a system that genuinely prioritises children’s wellbeing over administrative process.
We need greater government engagement with the true cost of family breakdown, not just in terms of court backlogs and case durations, but in the long-term societal impact of children who grow up in unresolved conflict, without financial security, and without the legal protection to which they and their parents are entitled. Families of all shapes and sizes need support to understand their rights and their responsibilities long before they reach a crisis point.
The price of peace is not silence. It is knowing your worth, understanding your rights, and making sure that any agreement you reach will still be standing in ten years’ time.
About the author
Helen is a partner in Tees’ family department, advising individuals and families on divorce and separation, financial settlements, arrangements for children and relationship agreements, with particular expertise in mediation and non-court dispute resolution.
The views expressed in this article are those of the author and not necessarily those of Today’s Family Lawyer.
