Sara Davison, also known as The Divorce Coach, describes how clients experiencing domestic abuse may present during proceedings, and explains how family lawyers can identify patterns of behaviour and offer support and encouragement.
In family law, the phrase ‘high conflict’ appears frequently. It’s used to describe relentless email exchanges, entrenched positions, emotional volatility, last minute applications, breakdowns in mediation and parents who cannot seem to agree on even the smallest detail.
But sometimes what looks like high conflict is not conflict at all – sometimes it is coercive control continuing in a new arena.
Minimising behaviour
Domestic abuse rarely arrives in a neat, declared form. Clients do not begin meetings by saying, “I am being controlled,” or “I am frightened.” More often they describe exhaustion, confusion, administrative chaos or a sense of walking on eggshells. They may minimise behaviour that, viewed through a different lens, reveals a clear pattern of dominance and destabilisation.
This matters, because misunderstanding the dynamic changes everything.
When coercive control is present, behaviour that might otherwise appear inconsistent, reactive or irrational begins to make sense. A client who retracts instructions after a barrage of messages may not be indecisive – they may be trauma bonded or fearful of retaliation.
A parent who appears emotionally heightened in handover disputes may be responding to years of psychological erosion. A party who seems reasonable and calm in correspondence may be strategically positioning themselves while exerting subtle pressure elsewhere.
Non-physical abuse
Domestic abuse is not confined to physical violence. The most pervasive forms in family proceedings are often non-physical: financial restriction, digital monitoring, administrative harassment, intimidation through legal correspondence, manipulation of children and narrative control.
Separation does not reduce these behaviours. Research consistently shows that the period immediately following separation is one of the highest risk stages for escalation. When control is threatened, it often intensifies.
From a legal perspective, this can manifest as:
- Deliberate delays in disclosure.
- Repeated applications that exhaust the other party.
- Sudden allegations timed for maximum destabilisation.
- Withholding of funds.
- Using the children to relay messages or exert pressure.
- Alternating hostility with apparent reasonableness.
Without awareness of these patterns, professionals can inadvertently frame the situation as mutual hostility or personality clash. With awareness, the pattern becomes clearer and safeguarding responses become more measured and precise.
Shifting interpretation
A trauma-aware lens does not require lawyers to become therapists. It simply asks for a shift in interpretation.
Trauma affects cognition, memory, sequencing and decision making. Clients operating in a heightened stress state may struggle to recall timelines clearly, appear contradictory, or become overwhelmed by correspondence that appears, on the surface, procedural. These are not character flaws; they are nervous system responses.
Language plays a powerful role here. Small shifts – slowing pace, breaking decisions into two manageable options, removing inflammatory content from forwarded emails, validating distress without escalating it – can significantly reduce re-traumatisation and improve clarity.
Equally, being alert to patterns of post-separation abuse protects professionals themselves. When correspondence is used as a vehicle for humiliation or intimidation, absorbing that tone without filtering can increase emotional intensity within the case. Neutral summaries and structured communication boundaries are not just supportive for clients; they preserve professional steadiness.
Recognising control
Importantly, recognising coercive control means understanding the behavioural dynamics that may sit beneath what is presented. It means asking gentle, safe questions when something feels disproportionate. It means appreciating that ‘keeping the peace’ can be a survival strategy rather than an unreasonable stance.
Family law sits at one of the most consequential intersections of safety, identity, finances and parenting. The advice given, the tone adopted and the framing of correspondence can all influence whether a client feels steadied or destabilised during one of the most vulnerable periods of their life.
Over the past 16 years working in breakup, divorce and domestic abuse recovery, and through training professionals internationally, I have seen how even modest increases in awareness can transform client engagement. Not by changing legal expertise – but by adding a deeper understanding of what sits beneath behaviour.
Identifying patterns
When professionals feel confident recognising trauma responses, spotting coercive patterns and adjusting language accordingly, cases often progress with less escalation, clearer decision making and stronger safeguarding awareness.
Domestic abuse is not always loud. It is often subtle, patterned and misunderstood – especially when it continues through legal processes.
The more we refine our lens, the safer and steadier the system becomes for everyone involved.
For professionals wishing to explore this area further, I have developed a CPD-accredited break-up, divorce and domestic abuse awareness programme designed specifically for family law practice. Further details can be found here.
About the author
Sara Davison is an expert on breakups, divorce, and domestic abuse, known globally as The Divorce Coach. A multi bestselling author, podcaster and award-winning coach, Sara has over 30 years of coaching experience, shaped by her own journey as a survivor of domestic abuse. She is a qualified NLP Master Practitioner with additional training in hypnotherapy and public speaking. Her expertise spans co-parenting, high-conflict separations, emotional abuse recovery and supporting workplace wellbeing during times of personal crisis.
